I am going to give one huge update on where we are since who knows when I will post again...lol. Before I dive in, let me begin with a little about Zoey. She is a tiny ball of life and joy. We chose her name because it means, "life." And as with Eden's name (which means "delight") it fits her perfectly. She runs everywhere she goes...like Phoebe from "Friends" running in Central Park (if you ever saw that TV episode). Hands in the air, huge grin and scurrying feet...up and down the hall...all day long. Sometimes I call her when I need a good laugh because I know when I hear her coming and see that face round the corner it will evoke a belly laugh. She loves to be held. She is sweet beyond description...deep down in her spirit...just sweet, soft-spoken and gentle. However, we have seen glimpses of a stubborn streak that I'm sure will continue to emerge as she feels more comfortable and safe with us. She does NOT like to share. The girl LOVES lip gloss and to brush her teeth and to take a bath. Her favorite book is Good Night Moon and her favorite songs are "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Twinkle, Twinkle." She is hilarious and silly. Somehow (ahem, Eden) she has learned the phrase, "Gangham Style" and repeats it over and over (youtube the dance if you're curious...it must be an Asian thing). Her most-used phrases are, "Potty mommy, all done, look mommy, where sissy go, and whatcha doin?" She can also recite most of "Good Night Moon, Good Night I Love You, and Mommy Hugs." This kid LOVES food. If she hears a package being opened or the fridge door she makes a bee-line for the kitchen and stalkingly hovers until you give her something. Yogurt is by far her favorite food...and any kind of fruit. Elmo and Curious George are her TV shows right now...and play dough is the toy of choice....and of course anything Eden is playing with. She is so precious and I love her more with each week that passes.
It has always been my policy to be transparent and honest about both the joys and struggles of adoption on this blog. Sometimes I read other blogs and wonder if I am doing something wrong because it is all wonderful and full of love, hugs and kisses...like Pinterest on crack. After 2 adoptions of special needs toddlers, I know it is unwise to compare our journeys, children, or stories to one another. And yet, we all tempted to do so. Here, you will find transparency. It is wonderfully difficult, painstakingly slow, and worth it even in my failures. Just yesterday I completely lost my cool with Zoey and regret and fear flooded my soul as her eyes went blank and she entered the "Zoey zone" - our name for when she disassociates. I fail daily. But I love my girls and want to paint a real picture of what happens on this side of the journey. So, with that said...
Zoey is struggling developmentally. Her paperwork listed her as "developmentally delayed" so we knew (in theory) she had delays...as do all institutionalized kids - especially after almost 4 years. In reality, however, we had no clue what this would mean...and we still don't. I am not going to go into too many details on this public forum because I don't want to label Zoey in any way. To be honest, I am having to fight against labeling her in my own mind. Confusion, frustration and fear are powerful forces that I fight daily. To quote her doctors, Zoey is a, "mixed bag of tricks." At this point, appointments and evaluations have left us with more questions than answers. Between orphanage delays, the adoption trauma and change, her laid-back temperament, learning a second language, and so many unknowns from her first 3 1/2 years, who knows what is going on in that sweet head and heart. All we know is that she is fearfully and wonderfully made...and that we love her and are committed to her no matter what.
We have been to 2 appointments at the International Adoption Clinic where we've seen the pediatrician, behavioral therapist, and occupational therapist. From those appointments we have begun what I call "detective work" to try and piece together what is going on with our girl and how we can best help her. We have been to the audiologist and discovered she may have partial hearing loss in one ear. Our follow up is to see the ENT to see if maybe chronic ear infections have led to these issues and if perhaps there is fluid deep in the inner ear causing it (very likely). Getting to the bottom of this will help with language delays. We have seen the pediatric ophthalmologist for her lazy eye. Because Zoey can't communicate well enough yet, they couldn't do a vision screening. Looking in her eyes, all looked well and we are patching the "good eye" for a couple of hours each day to see if this helps. Doc feels it is possible neurological and not a vision issue...time will tell. We have an appointment with the geneticist next week and hope to find out if Zoey has a diagnosable genetic syndrome that will explain some of her issues. And we are waiting for confirmation to see a neuro-muscualar doctor for her issues with balance and movement. On top of all that, she will have 8 teeth filled and/or crowned in feb. at the hospital under general anesthesia. Our dentist felt that would be the least stressful on her to get her teeth in shape.
Now, for bonding. It's hard. Loving her is not hard...but attaching to her has been difficult for me. The root of it all is that because she isn't communicating with me, I feel that I don't really know her. She talks (repeating words or using simple phrases that she hears regularly) but she doesn't communicate her needs, thoughts, feelings yet. I have faith that this will come...but it's taking longer than I was prepared for. It's kind of like having an infant but in a preschool body. It's hard to separate her physical and emotional & cognitive ages...because they are all different. At times I see rays of hope come through...but most of the time, if I'm honest, it's like the real Zoey is locked deep inside layers of coping mechanisms and people-pleasing. I often ask myself, "Is any child really this easy, cooperative and happy all the time, or is this how she's survived up to now?" I don't know the answer yet.
We have made SO MUCH progress, though. When we first met Zoey she NEVER cried. Her pain tolerance was extremely high, and she disassociated almost hourly. Now, she comes to me for comfort and to kiss her boo-boos. She allows us to sit and read to her and rock her to sleep. She still rocks herself at night, but not nearly as much as before. She isn't as hyper and isn't overeating as bad. A couple of times she has shown that she didn't want me to leave and go somewhere. She has cried a couple of times in the night instead of rocking herself back to sleep (not as often as I'd like). She shows fear and her dislike at dr. appointments now. She initiates affection and is not as inappropriately friendly and affection with strangers as she used to be (still have some work to do in this area, though). Overall, she is doing wonderfully...I have just been learning to re-define what "doing well" is for her.
I have very high hopes for this little fighter. I do think that she has true developmental and cognitive delays - not just the ordinary orphanage/adoption delays - and I don't care. I am learning to adjust my expectations...not to expect less from her, but to let her be just who God created her to be. I think this is why I have had trouble feeling like her mommy...because I have been trying to get to know her on my terms, instead of going to her on hers. Isn't that what God did for us? We couldn't get to Him, so He made Himself less, humbled Himself and came to us, meeting us where we were but refusing to leave us there. And so, once again, God is revealing to me the glories of Christ through my journey of motherhood to this little girl. "Lower, lower..." He whispers in my ear. "Not so fast, slow down, quit trying...you don't need her to speak, you need Me to speak...listen."
Every single time I've been at a complete loss, at times in tears on the floor of her bedroom, His Spirit has answered, led and revealed. He truly is the Father of the fatherless. And today, I am praising Him for knowing every answer I do not, and for teaching me that this is enough. He is all we need.
Your prayers mean more than words can say. Enjoy these pictures of our last 2 months!
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