Yes, Mommy Is Alive!

It's been a while since I posted so I wanted to take an opportunity to write while Eden is napping. First of all, thank you to everyone for your prayers and support for our family. I cannot begin to express how tangibly I have felt your prayers on the other side of the world, and here at home. God truly is BIG!!! There have already been countless times that I wanted to just throw my hands up and walk away, or sit down and throw a tantrum with Eden, but God has sustained me through your love and prayers every time. I don't even know where to start...what an amazing journey. Now that we're home with her, a new journey is beginning. I've never been a mom (to a human being) before. What an awesome responsibility.

Many times I have said, "Lord, what were you thinking?" Eden needs so much from me right now that doesn't "feel natural." She needs me to be near her when she is grieving and tantruming so that she can push me away. She reaches out, and when I reach for her she pushes me away. But she needs to know I'm there if she decides she wants me. The smallest things set her off. The other day she tripped and fell and hit her head and when I scooped her up she immediately began grieving and pulling away from me. The natural "mommy" tasks like changing diapers, feeding, rocking, comforting, and just loving and cuddling are so hard for her to accept from me right now. I have waited so long to shower her with my love and she just won't let me a lot of the time. But boy, when she does, what joy fills my heart! I knew going into this that she would not love me back for quite a while, but I had no idea how hard she would try to get me NOT to love her.

The more I love her, the harder it is for her to resist loving me. So me being loving to her, especially when she is trying to push me away, angers and frustrates her. I have wept with her as she struggles against me. Her tantrums are great times for me to release my tears as well. Can you picture it? Mommy and Eden bawling our eyes out on the kitchen floor. This is much of our relationship right now. But...for the past few days Eden has begun to notice my tears. She looks at me in a new way, as if to say, "Do you understand that I am sad? Is that why you are crying, too?" My prayer is that God will help her to understand that she is not alone in her grief. I will never understand the depths of her confusion and pain, but I do care...I care so very much. Adopting a toddler is hard...but it is wonderful. For all of you following the blog who are waiting to travel and/or adopt an older child, I want to gently speak to you on behalf of your child.

Please do not let people tell you that your love for your child will be enough for the transition that lies ahead. Let your love drive you to fall on your knees and beg God for wisdom and insight into what your child will need. Don't just pray for the paperwork to go through faster (let's face it, that's what we're thinking about 99% of the time), ask Him to prepare your heart for the unique needs of the child He is entrusting to you. He will faithfully do so. Blogs, websites, etc. are great resources, but there is only One who knows your future child inside and out. Let Him be the first place you go for answers. And let Him lead you to other resources. I only read one book before we adopted. A friend recommended it to me. It is called "Toddler Adoption" by Mary Hopkins-Best and it is an incredible resource for those of you adopting a child between the ages of 1 and 4.

I know many of you have been so encouraged reading our blog because you are in the season of waiting. I am so thankful that God has used our story to encourage you. Please let me further encourage you to use these days wisely, as God has given them to you for a reason. I KNOW the waiting is hard, and seemingly senseless...but I can honestly say on this end that God used the months and months of waiting to strengthen my faith and dependence on Him. And I honestly could not endure the times of rejection from Eden right now and love her through them if He had not worked in my heart as I waited. Cooperate with His work in your lives during this time...your cooperation will reap a harvest in your precious child's life. Please don't let my honesty scare you! The joy SO outweighs the trials and difficulties! I look at Eden everyday and think, "Two weeks ago you belonged to no one on this earth, and now you have a family." Daily I am humbled and reminded of God's great love for me, my daughter, and for all mankind.

My prayer for Eden is that God will use what she is going through now to soften her heart and strong will to His presence and His voice so that one day, she will be adopted again...into His forever family. As Gene and I walk through these days, we are keenly aware of the responsibility and privilege God has given us to give Eden a picture of His love for her. No matter how hard she pushes, how loud she screams, how mean she is, we will never leave her or forsake her. She is ours, we have sacrificed for her and chosen her and bought her with a price not because she has done anything to earn it, but because we love her, unconditionally. She is the apple of our eye and valuable beyond compare to us, no matter what. She is our child. Our prayer is that we are painting a picture for her of the unfailing love that Christ has for her. I am posting a few funny photos I have taken over the past few days. Eden is a mess, so funny and silly.

What joy she has brought into our lives. I need to go get some things done before she wakes up. No one told me how much I would look forward to Eden's naptime!! Love you all!