Just wanted to post a quick update on the issue I mentioned with sleep in the last post. Even in the past two days since I posted, Eden's behavior has become more troublesome to me. She seems to be regressing emotionally a little bit. She has had 3 tantrums in the last 2 days, much like the ones she had when we first returned home. Except this time she is tantruming for me, not against me. All 3 have ocurred when I put her in the car seat - something she NEVER resists...until now. She wants to be held. The tantrums have been so severe I have even pulled the van over and gotten her out to hold her and reassure her.
Thankfully, Leigh Ann from the Adoption Clinic called me yesterday about 15 minutes after the first of these tantrums. I explained what's going on with her sleep and told her about the tantrum. Eden also completely melted down in the church nursery last weekend (she has been going for several weeks now) and she is having trouble going to bed at night over the past couple of days. Each of these issues alone wouldn't alarm me, but all of them happening at once causes some concern.
She was so upset after her tantrum today, she looked at me and asked for a bottle and to be rocked. I quit giving her a bottle a month ago, but that is how I comforted her for the first 2 months home. Up until then, I wondered if this was all just toddler behavior because on the outside it looks so much like what kids her age go through. But when she asked for the bottle and to be rocked, I knew she is feeling insecure.
Leigh Ann explained that it's to be expected for "our kids" to regress some in between being "stretched." Eden had surgery a few weeks ago, and Leigh Ann said that might have triggered this behavior. She also said she is about to turn 2 so "resistant behavior" is to be expected so not to let her manipulate us. I am also leaving her now with close friends and family so that is testing our fragile and emerging bond.
I guess most moms who adopt older children struggle with the fear of pushing them too hard too fast, and not crippling them by being over-protective. I want to give her the attention and security she needs without enabling her to stay afraid. As she grows in love and attachment for us, along with that comes the fear that we might go away like her foster mom did. I cannot explain to you how attached she was to her foster mom and the sadness she went through. It breaks my heart that she has to grapple with these conflicting emotions. But, I know it's healthy for her to learn that she can trust us and that we will always come back. This trust can only grow through testing. We have to leave, and come back.
Isn't that just like our trust in the Lord? It can only grow and deepen when it is tested. If everything were always easy, how deep would our faith really be? As God is healing Eden, He is teaching me.
For all of you waiting to adopt, please hear me when I say that God has been faithful EVERY SINGLE time to give us the wisdom to discern what Eden needs. He shows me if I'm pushing too hard, or if I need to let her go. He will do the same for you. He has also placed the Adoption Clinic staff in our lives to be an amazing resource when we need it.
Every day I spend with Eden I am more aware of what an incredible privilege it is to parent a child who needs so much. It is exhausting, yes. It is scary, yes. But it hurts my heart to think of all the babies just like her who haven't been adopted. They are equally precious and in need. I look at how she is growing and healing and I want that for EVERY child who doesn't have the love of a family.
Every night Eden and I pray for the orphans, and for her foster mom and birth mom in China. And, we pray that God will allow us the blessing of bringing an orphan into our home to adopt. Won't it be neat for Eden if He answers that prayer! She is living proof that it is a prayer He delights to answer!
